Quick flash of what went missing into the logs !!
So we were married for 3 months now. He still lived in Mumbai and I lived in Bangalore. We kept praying he would be able to move to Bangalore. I knew it was too soon, but I wanted to have a baby desperately. I had been diagnosed with fibroids 3 years back and every gynec I met, convinced me that there was no treatment required, unless I try and fail to conceive. Somehow the fear of being childless was too much to deal with. Though we lived miles apart, I was still hoping we would be successful to make a baby .. I was so desperate that, I used pregnancy kits even after having my menstruation for the month.. Why to neglect that odd 1% of having low hcg ?? A private journal entry copy-pasted below :
I have a bad headache since morning.. I woke up bleeding, and I was lost without any emotions.. I was an expectant mother before I went to bed last night, I woke up at 5 am, feeling blood. I didnt have much time to worry about it, I had to clean and dress and put myself back to sleep. I didnt know if it was a lost pregnancy or realization that a pregnancy never existed. I wish I could cry out aloud. I think, now I know what is, when you feel empty inside.. I didnt want to wake up to a dawn as a single person again. I lived these last few days, accompanied with thoughts about a tiny life within. My Baby, if you were ever there, I am sorry that Mama, didnt take care of you, mama couldnt give you a good place to begin your life. I have been careless, am sorry. I really hoped I would carry you in my arms early next year. I even asked Daddy to choose names for you. I am sad and feel sorry for myself, I will never know if you existed. Something tells me, you were there within, I think if it was meant to lose you, this was the best possible way, than lose you later. I will always remember you, as you were my first ever experience of motherhood. You didnt have to be born to make me feel like one. Will always love you.
We planned a trip to the US for December to meet his family in NJ. So we headed off to Chennai for the US Embassy. For me it was another of our weekends together. Mid of July, it was again time for the pregnancy kit. I usually had regular periods, so I tested the kit on the first day of missed period, I desperately waited for the pink line, and finally there was a faint one.. A disappointed me, called hubby on phone and told him that I was worried, I didnt have a healthy pregnancy as there was no dark pink line !! Though I was an electronics and semiconductor engineer by profession, the husband had to re-visit digital electronics and educate me on 2 binary states , its either 0 or 1, there was nothing in between, so a faint 1 meant a '1' , I could have further taught him about strong and weak 0s and 1s which we use in our profession, but decide to wait and do the test after a week. The second test was a strong pink line, and from then, began this never-ending fear of taking care of an extra individual, this time, within me. I had my 6-week gynec appointment and everything was normal.
The first gynec I visited in July, suddenly went on vacation and I couldnt wait to postpone the first scan which was due for the 8th week. I was a bit anxious, bcos of the fibroids, so changed the doc and started visiting another gynec. After a long waiting time at the new gynec, I was called in and they sent me for the scan. Luckily I have a private journal entry of this also.
I cant recall my first feeling during the scan. The doc showed me the baby's heart beat. For the first time, I sensed motherhood, and unknowingly my hand tried to reach out to the baby. Unfortunately, my new found joy was short-lived when the doc detected fluid in the sac and diagnosed me with sub-chorionic hematoma. The Doc just bluntly announced to me that there are chances of miscarriages and prescribed projesterone injections and tablets. I have been going to the clinic bi-weeekly since then.
Today was regular injection appointment. Arun accompanied me. He suddenly brought up the idea to take the scan ahead of the 18th August schedule, so that, he too gets to see the baby. Baby's heartbeat was normal, and there was no more fluid. I am hoping baby was happy to see daddy also this time. Fibroid has grown to 5cms. Just hoping, everything turns out safe.
I never wrote anything much after that. I got very busy after that.
September - October 2011
My brother's marriage was fixed for October 29th. It was an inter-religion long-term love affair, and since we wanted the marriage to be primarily in our religion, we had to do most of the arrangements. Being the only sibling, I took up most of the responsibilities for the arrangement. I guess with all the running around, my little baby would become an event manager one day !! I successfully entered into the second trimester, though the doc mentioned placenta pervia during one the scans.
After my brother's wedding, my mom decided to go for medical checkups and they found a large growth in her gall bladder. To find if it was malignant, they arranged for an open gall bladder surgery at Chennai. With pregnancy and stress, I was advised not to travel and complicate things. Being far away from mom who was undergoing operation, and well-wishers calling me to say nothing would happen to her, I got stressed and ended up having muscular cramps. It was a weekend, and we went and met the doc who suspected shortening of cervix. The doc scared us that if we didnt do a cervical stitch, I could end up having a preterm labor. I had just completed 23 weeks then ! Before I could get a second opinion, I was admitted for an emergency operation and cofined to bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy.
Life changed suddenly, I was not prepared to be a stay-at-home patient, I could not seek the support of my mom who had just undergone an operation. I didnt have much hobbies to pursue other than reading and watching TV. To add to all the frustration, I always had the fear of preterm labor, and worried if my premature child would survive !
I met another gynec and sought her advice, I was convinced my cervical stitch was unnecessary, but since there was a stitch in already, I couldnt do anything much than wait to complete 37 weeks .
Jan 2012- March 2012
I have never been so impatient in my life than the last trimester of my pregnancy. I was desperate to meet my little one. I was more bored to stay @ home all day. I managed to sneak out though for weekend shopping, thanks to my new gynec, who kept re-assuring me that there was nothing majorly wrong. I crossed the 37 week deadline, got the cervical stitch removed also. I expected labor pains any time. Everyday I went to bed, I was hoping I would wake up screaming in pain. But each day I woke up to carry my little baggage all around. I entered week 40 and my gynec told me the baby had not made its descend yet. I booked my room at the hospital for March 23rd 10:00 pm to be induced. The whole week I ate spicy stuff, only to be end up in toilet instead. On march 23rd night, I re-packed my maternity luggage and headed to the hospital.
Sorry Livejournal for being away for so long !!!
So it has been a year and I havent updated the part 2 story yet !! A perfect mixed bag for a whole year.. What else one can say when you are expecting your first child ? And I never imagined a more complicated 280
weeks days of pregnancy !!!
And after all suspense, worries, drama, depression I delivered a baby girl on March 24th this year !! And we named her Avika :)
Since both of us had names starting with A, we had decided that the baby's name would start with A too .. The husband had fascination for the name Ava and though I didnt have any dislike, I wanted a bit longer name, and then we bumped onto Avika.. We call her Ava though at home !!
12 weeks of motherhood, I never imagined it would be so stressful !!
Based on public demand, I am unfolding the story of how I met A. Like all the years I have spent searching for Mr Right, 2010 was no different. As soon as the New Year bounced in, I paid for online matrimonial memberships and wasted hours of scrolling Internet Pages, only difference being, with growing experience and maturity. I had almost become a Pro, I made a decision not to end up in heart breaks. The process got slower and more boring, I had decided not to meet anyone, until I was sure, we stood a chance to make relationships happen. Looking back, I feel it was a good decision, I met only three people the whole year, and Arun was the third one I met, that too only in December, thanks to Mumbai vs Bangalore, we were on a 2 month probation since October'10.
The first person I met in January, was 9 years older than me, my parents shot down the idea. I begged them to allow me to meet this person more, so that I could understand why age plays an important role. With demanding jobs, we met only on Sundays, either for a quick lunch or coffee. February was not bad, in fact I spent the Valentine's day with this guy, because both of us were lonely. We just went together shopping and bought us gifts ourselves, we didnt exchange gifts/roses nor chocolates. In fact, when I got home at 4 pm after a day's shopping, I had to show my parents the credit card receipts to prove that I had bought myself all the gifts and that I was not fooling around under a Valentine's day drama.
Friends and family were wondering if I had given up on the idea of marriage. While I couldnt make up my mind if it was right to marry this guy, I at least wanted to know, why/how things woudnt work between us. And he helped me, when one fine day, he decided to break up, after some silly(according to me silly) difference on opinion about our weekend meeting schedule. May be he thought it was time to move on, as I wasn't making any decision yet. For the first time, I didnt feel my heart breaking. I did feel sad that things wouldnt be the same anymore, there wouldnt be someone to talk to, but then I was relieved that I didnt have to make any decision. I had a new assignment at work, and I got busy working on my Korea travel.
While I got busy at work, I spent the weekends logged into matrimonial sites again. In April, just before my birthday, I bumped into another person, who was everything listed on my partner preferences, and a bonus, someone working in my field. Yay, there was someone who could understand what I work on. Height was always my problem, so before meeting anyone, I made sure, I had scrutinized all his photos multiple times to make sure, he was not shorter than me. So after few days of telephonic screening, we met one fine evening at Casa Del So on Residency road. I think it was one of those sudden April showers at 6 pm, we ended up reaching the place, drenched in rain. It was the perfect romantic beginning I could have ever dream of! He was not very tall, but he had this dark, handsome, sharp eyes and intelligent looks, and with a perfect weather what more could I ask for.
He was a Canadian return NRI, an avid salsa dancer and loves to experiment on good food. I ended up doing all the talking, until I realized, he was done with his dinner and waiting to laugh at me, looking at my full plate !! I was a good sport, so I ate as little as possible and told him, I wasnt that hungry ! Casa Del So has Salsa Nights from 8 pm on Sundays, where many salsa dancers join in there. When he came to know of it, he jumped onto the dance floor, while I sat there watching everyone dance. He was pissed off with few females who refused to dance with him. Most of them were kids from colleges, and preferred to dance with some one their age or liking, unlike him, who was passionate only about the dance movements and not on the partner. So after around 2 hours, when he had enough, we decided to leave the place.Meanwhile, I had 2 hours to myself, wondering and making myself understand that he didn't like me that much, and thats why, even though we met to know each other, he ignored me for 50% of the time. It was hard to convince myself, bcos deep within, I liked him, so I kept defending his actions in my thoughts. Around 10:15 pm, I told him, I had work on Monday, he joined me and we took separate autos. He didnt bother to ask me, if I reached safe, which was another indication on how less he cared for me, and the following day, I got an email -> "I think you are a good person but not the person I am looking for. We can be friends if thats ok with you" . I had another of those lonely birthdays that year.
I traveled to Korea in May and I returned with more work. I was in touch with both the guys. We are friends, so we keep inquiring about our matrimonial searches. There were more online rejections from either sides, my memberships were about to expire, my parents started taking control of things, they advertised on classifieds, created more profiles. There was also something funny yet irritating, a guy whom I had talked to and rejected online, was picked up by parents login and accepted for further process, and he wanted to have the last laugh, so forwarded my dad's email to me !! Well, he actually helped me, because, I got to know about the duplicate profiles my parents had, and with all the disgrace/embarrassment this whole thing brought onto me, I demanded that they handover all profile logins to me, failing which I will sue them that they have misused my pictures and personal details on the internet. My poor parents had enough of me already, so they just gave up all electronic access to matrimonial sites and stuck with the newspapers.
I did meet 2 other people who were based out of the UK. Since I had a valid work visa for UK, I decided to move to UK and then start life and matrimonial search afresh. My online interactions with the UK guys were also minimum, thanks to the timezones, and secondly, since I was planning to relocate, I was focusing more on job searches. For a change, I was scrolling job sites instead of matri sites. And I had no pressure on making a decision, everything seemed like a long term plan, move to UK, settle down, meet new people, and also consider these 2 guys after I reach there. I was open about my plan with them also, and they were fine, and they were not in a hurry either to settle down nor to narrow down their choices.
Occasionally when I got bored with job related emails, I logged onto my matrimonial accounts to take stock of the situation and the market trends. Most of my login attempts convinced me that there were no more choices left for me in this country, and I needed a complete new life to begin everything afresh. The UK plan was progressing all well, I had even started looking for cheap tickets to schedule interviews, until I bumped into his profile on October 4th.Everything in his profile was negative to begin with. He was based at Mumbai since July'10, he has never lived in India before that, the only thing Indian about him is his birth, parents and the 2 years he spent his infancy running around naked in his maternal grandparents home. 18 years of Dubai and 11 years of US, a complete NRI, I didnt want to get into trouble again. But, you can't ignore a 6ft'3" guy just like that, so I decided to send him an email. And his first email was not impressive, he talked about blocking time on his calender and all, so I decided to ignore him. But sometimes, you decide one thing, but you end up doing the other. So I ended up replying to him and ask him for some time on his calender. He said, he had a sore throat, so he couldnt speak on phone, but we could chat on IM. We chatted for a day or two, and he called me up one evening. He had this American accent and with his sore throat, I couldnt grasp what he was speaking. The only thing I remember was trying to keep the conversation short and hang up.
Over the next few days, our chat conversations were about ourselves. I was boasting about my UK plan and co-incidentally he was leaving to the UK for a 2-week business trip in the next 2 days. He was busy packing stuff, and promised me he would call when he gets time waiting in the airport lounge. After my first conversation with him, I hoped he would never call me back, I wished his calender would be full and I dont have to break my head understanding what he says. But he did call me after 2 days when he was at the airport. His sore throat had got better and I could follow him much better. We spoke till 1.30 am, my airtel network dropped down suddenly, and we got disconnected. By the time, I restarted my phone, his phone was switched off. His sms came in a few seconds later -> "It says you are out of reach, Good Night, I will miss our chats". I didnt know if he was trying to flatter me, but I knew, I was going to miss the chats. I looked at my mobile screen, Oct 12, 1:47 am. I wanted 2 weeks to fly fast, wanted to get back in touch with him, know him better, I kept wondering how many people was he talking to, did he have other options, will he meet some one in the UK, what if he felt I looked different from the pictures I had sent him., there were more and more questions, and answers were fewer. I suddenly felt a familiar pain within, which I had not felt for a long time, a fear of rejection, a fear of hoping things would go smooth, a fear of wanting him to be all that you hope him to be. I finally understood, when it comes to the heart, no amount of experience helps !!
.. to be continued..
PS : I didnt expect I will end up writing a long story :(
I missed this space of my life. I just realized what a big loss it was not to log my feelings here all these months. Over these 6 months, life has changed a lot, mostly for good, but I feel a big gap, especially staying away from LJ for long. Luckily, I have been tracking friend's pages, so I dont have too much to catch up on.
Sometime last year, on December 4th, I fell in love for the nth time, luckily this time, I never got my heart back. I live on somebody else's who lost his to me. Three months of families processing the matrimony activities, I got married to Arun(A) on March 7th this year. With jobs in 2 cities, his in Mumbai and mine at Bangalore, I never realized how these two months flew by. A and I have made a lot of compromises making this marriage work, one of them being living in distance cities and spending our time tracking and blocking our travel calender to be together. Many people still wonder, why I got married when I could have waited for our jobs to settle. Sometimes, when life shows you good things, it is better not to postpone having them :)
My life at Bangalore hasnt changed much, I still live with my brother, and I fly out at every opportunity to meet A. Though we havent started living as the true husband-wife yet, my life is complete now, A is definitely a huge bonus to my life, I owe him a lot, my life couldnt have got better than this. All these years of yearning to be someone's, is fulfilled now :)
I turned 30 last month, and this was another significant moment of my life, and I am glad I spent the day with my parents and A at our Chennai home. Shedding all those 20 something tags wasn't very easy, but with new beginnings in life, sometimes it is easy to take up changes all together :) And there are always birthday gifts to pamper and divert your attention, away from thoughts of getting older.
I am not very content at work as before, but I have more things to look forward to, especially looking for Finance/Banking jobs for A in Bangalore. We have got calls from only one company so far and still awaiting feedback on the interviews. Prayers never cease.
Some time back my friend R and her hubby were at MK Retail grocery shopping with their daughter Mihika. M.K Retail has this miniature trolley to keep children entertained, and amused with their own world of shopping. ( New vs Old Collapse )
The parents had a long discussion on which Sauce Bottle to buy, the 1 kg one with the offer or the 500 gm one. The Dad felt 500 gms was more than enough, as the 1 kg one may expire, the mom felt its always economical to buy stuff on offer. Mihika who was watching all the discussion, picked up the smallest sauce bottle, probably the 200 grams one, and dumped it in her trolley, and justified her selection " I cant lift bigger bottles and pour sauce, if its a smaller one, I can always help myself" !!
I always thought about it and wondered why they didnt make children friendly sauce bottles. I saw this Squeezo sauce bottle at a local grocery shop. Mihika would be delighted to use this. I am not sure, if this is already in the market for a long time.
I dont know who is stealing my time, its neither with me, nor do I remember investing it anywhere. Life is chaotic, and there are lot of unfinished tasks pending. Facebook is a distraction, and I love Livejournal so much, that I dont want to see my association with livejournal dying away.
A photo-recipe post as a comeback !!( Photo-Recipe Gobi-ParanthaCollapse )
There is nothing as irreversible as death of a closed one. Till now, I have always thought of heart breaks as the worst pain, but I just realized death is a separation in which there is no room for future. My team-mate B came in to work today after a 2 week break after her dad's sudden demise.
Two weeks back on a Thursday morning when I logged in at work at 7.45 am, I got a call from B, who was sobbing on the phone. She kept saying pappa pappa in between sobs. I knew her dad was quite sick for some time, and she has made emergency trips home just recently. But I am inexperienced in handling this, I didnt know what to ask her. So I just asked her if she wanted me to accompany her to the airport atleast. I left a message for the boss and left to the airport immediately. I rushed to Mekri cirlce and luckily got into the same BIAL bus which she had boarded. The moment she saw me getting into the bus, she burst into louder sobs. I was totally clueless on how I am going to handle this. I have never been through this earlier. The only thing, I kept telling myself was that, the girl sitting near me was just a 24 year old kid, and I had to really be with her during this great loss. I dont know what people speak when they want to console someone on somebody's death. I dont know if external words help a person especially during this loss or does it make them feel worse.
She had to travel to Punjab and it was going to be a long journey for her. So I just started scheduling her travel to Delhi and then to Punjab. We were joined by two other friends from office also, so they manged to get a known taxi guy for her from Delhi. I kept holding her hands while she spoke few words between her sobs, I only acknowledged her during the conversation and assured her that she will feel much better when she joins her family back home. I later called her up couple of times after she had reached, and she sounded much better than when I had seen her last. Today she is back in office, meeting colleagues and getting a bit emotional, I dont know if talking helps, I only asked her if she wanted to go out somewhere for a walk. I am sure time helps.
I always fear the thought of losing my parents someday. Everytime I think of it, I feel positive about the time available for us to be together now. The first time I felt the loss of a near one was that of my aunt( my dad's bro's wife). There was a phone call and I heard my Dad asking when the funeral was, and the only thing I knew was, I am not going to get to see her in my life again. Its over 8 years now, I still miss the person she was in my life, I miss the person she was in her home, the wife my uncle had as his support, the mother she was to my cousins, everything has changed a lot for all of us. Every function, or an event in the house, we always remember her and wonder how it would have been if she was around. I am sure, it changes many things for everybody. But we all move on. We will always miss the people no matter how many years pass by, but we get used to living with their memories.
My earliest memory of a friend losing her dad was at school when I was in grade5/6. I think her name was Betty, we all knew her dad though. Papachan driver was our school bus driver and we were all very fond of him, he was the most patient, gentlest and happiest person we knew. We were shocked when we came to know of his sudden demise. I was too young to understand pain, but I knew losing a parent means life is going to change forever. When my parents returned from the funeral, I remember asking mom if Betty was crying a lot. That was the first time, I realized how life can change suddenly for anybody.
The last time, I used the same subject for an LJ update, I really hoped it would be the last time I used it. Of course, I have failed again :) Thanks to facebook, for keeping me occupied when I didnt have anything much to do. However I do read friends updates here, but sadly, only two of my friends ( annietopia
) have been regular with their updates. This week has been better, there are couple of posts from other friends also. I have been procrastinating the update for a while now, but for Annie's nudge today. Thanks Annie.
After my Korea Travel in May, where I didnt accomplish anything major to update here, I have been occupied with work. Usually I crib a lot about hectic work, but my adorable Korean team-mate H has an amazing charm, which gets me glued to work. One of the reasons my departure from Korea was heart-breaking was to leave him behind. I could dedicate a separate post for H. Mihika
turned 4 this year. I usually look forward to her birthday. But the fear of losing the child within her, I wish birthdays come slower hereafter. She is no more a child. She is an individual with her own perspective about everything. Everything is now a pre-calculated thought, action, plan by her. There are times, I search for the innocence within. She has learnt to hide emotions especially when she does not want to display her vulnerability, she no longer jumps/shows excitement when I make sudden appearances. I have to struggle a lot to click a picture, its always an artificial smile these days. I wish kids never grow up :)
Life has become too comfortable these days that I have a fear of losing something. A fear that I am missing something I am unaware of. May be I need a change, of place, of job, of anything I can work on. I am happy and content with work and life in general, but 6 months from now, if I pause and look back, I am sure, I wouldnt like the way my life is taking me ahead now. I hope I can figure out this bit and amend it the right way.
June/July has been eventful otherwise. 2 of my good friends got married. One got married in Shimoga, so we made a quick plan and visit to places around Shimoga. Jog falls was a must-see for a long time. We did some random tours around, and thanks to stick's tour planning, we managed to spend atleast 30 minutes at the wedding, the rest of the time, we were traveling. The other friend D got married in Bangalore, so I am glad, I made it to the wedding and also managed to take some good pictures of the bride and groom in action.
It might be just a pause phase of my life now, but everything around me is moving fast. There are people who have moved on, shifted jobs, countries, people getting married, expecting babies, babies turning one, two etc, everything seems so fast moving around, I hope I get upto the speed than drift away in an non-existent comfort zone. But yes, its nice to wake up from hibernation.
Restored from a draft written a week ago
My first weekend and most probably my only weekend in South Korea went nearly event-less. Most of the people who travel to Korea from our company, stay here for atleast a month to three. I was traveling with my boss, our trip was planned for two working weeks, which means there is only one weekend in between the traveling weekends. Though the customer wants us to stay here longer, the management and policies have a different thought, and also its boss's 7th or 8th trip to this place, so there is no point in asking him to stay back either.
Having heard much about Korea and the absence of English here, I was mentally well prepared to use my observation skills to the maximum. Where there was no English, I had to do with pattern recognition and bookmarking landmarks for routes. I travel to work daily with the boss. The problem started only when it is the weekend. Unlike me, everyone has been to this place earlier, and nobody would be interested to accompany me for a second time. And since most of the Indian junta here stay longer here, they are in no immediate hurry to start exploring places. So I had to make my own weekend plans. I planned Suwon Fort for Saturday and Hans River Cruise for Sunday.
Saturday, post lunch I set out for a long walk towards the Suwon Station. I was told, the Fort and Station were close by. I reached the station and looked around for markets close by hoping to find Namun market. Talking to people, asking for directions wouldnt help here, unless you know to speak and understand Korean. My colleague picked up few Korean phrases the last time she traveled here and when she began using them, she had to give up, bcos responses came in Korean which she couldnt follow.
Some kids whom I assumed would atleast know few basic words in English, ended up laughing when I asked them few where-how questions about the place. After multiple failed attempts of asking around, I decided to take the bus. I managed to track the routes and bus numbers on few maps there( thanks to my BMTC experience in hand), but nobody could tell me how to get a bus ticket there, I saw everyone use a card to swipe through when they entered the bus. Couldnt find a ticket collector either. I was embarrassed to get into the bus and ask the driver too, what if he too didnt understand English, which would most likely happen. A gal helped me to get a card for 2500 Korean Won, but she couldnt explain how I could recharge the card ! After lingering around in the bus stand for some time, I decided to walk to Hwaseon Fort. The walk seemed never ending, and there was no sign of the fort near by, though I could see the hills far away. And since I was determined not to use a Taxi service, I started walking back to the Station. I clicked few pictures on the way back to keep me occupied and not feel about my failure. I reached home and after talking to few Indian people during dinner, learned that one has to drop a minimum of 1000 won in the box near the driver and there is no concept of ticket. If you have bus card, the cost is comparatively cheaper.
Sunday I decided not to try Hans river after Saturday's local failure. To reach Hans, I had to take a taxi to the station, then catch a metro and then taxi again to the destination, it sounds simple, but I wanted to first gain expertise in touring around Suwon before venturing out of the town on my own further. This time, I had got the numbers of the bus I had to take from the place I live. As an additional measure, I got few questions written down in Korean with the help of my Guest House Care taker. I also asked my room mate to show me few pictures of the fort from the direction in which the bus would arrive, so that I could alight at the right bus stop. As I sat in the bus towards my destination, I was expecting my plan to fail for the second time. Sometimes Murphy gives you surprises as well, especially when you expect him to appear suddenly, I had the best time ever in my life exploring the place on my own. After 2 hours of shopping in Namun market which was close by, I rushed towards the hill to climb up to the fort. The path to the fort looked long and tiring, but after putting so much efforts to get there, I just didnt feel like giving up at the foot of the hill :) I also met a friendly English speaking Korean guy who introduced himself to me at the top of the hill, though initially I avoided him, as I was quite worried about talking to strangers. After spending few minutes with him and his friends ( 4 gals) at the top of the hill, I decided to leave the place. Instead of taking a bus back to the Guest house, I took a bus to the station to test my bus route skills. I returned home feeling accomplished about my Fort visit, though I knew it was so little I did in the only weekend I was there in Korea.
There is always a next time, somewhere and sometime, I tell myself when dreams turn short lived.( Picture behind the cutCollapse )
Time to break the spell of silence here on my blog after my last post on companionable silence.
It has been hectic for the past few days and before I forget to put together words in English, I would log on few updates here.
April was busy, work is keeping us occupied all the time now. After few oscillations on the travel dates, my Work Visa to Korea got approved on 15th April. I landed here in Korea on May 2nd. It has been a roller coaster ride so far with pleasant and unpleasant things happening.Separate post on that later.
Birthday was a lonely one this year. Friends were all busy and geographically distant, and I was hoping to make it an International Bday assuming I would be in Korea. The Korea thing happened a bit late, so it turned out to be like any usual day except for the little attention I got at work. After all these years of failed attempts of creating abirthday surprise, my friends succeeded in one finally. It was a belated birthday celebration at Vee's place that too just 5 hours before my travel. It was a pleasant surprise, though packed. Thank you girls, for making this happen, irrespective of your busy weekend schedules.
I participated in the Banaglore InfinityF Photography Contest 2010
. It was a hot Sunday on 25th April. After making few vain attempts to capture some of the themes, I kept returning home to take a break in between. I got a call on April 30th, informing me that two of my pictures were selected for the exhibition on May1st. That was enough for all the troubles taken on that hot sunday afternoon. I had to travel on May 1st and just made it to the exhibition for 10 mins. The Jaaga set up was really awesome.
Got promoted at work, nothing extra-ordinary, something which had been due for some time. No major increase in the numbers though :P
Life in Korea is great. Staying at an Indian Guest house, which has nothing Korean about it. The food is actually better than what I eat in India, I can feel the calories getting accumulated at the wrong places :) I dont carry a mobile phone anymore. Since I cannot ask/speak to anyone here, I have to do a lot of smiling and bowing/nodding my head acknowledging/responding to people. I wonder if it would look funny if I continue to do the same after I return to India. At work, I talk and write in words, I just realized I am finding it difficult to write complete sentences in English. All buildings are tall here, ironically I live in the basement of a building :) I do not have good company to hang out here and try something really Korean be it food or places to visit. I do try now and then to be adventurous and set out on my own exploring places, it has been tough without knowing how to speak/read/write Korean.
My friend JKL switched to a dual sim phone to add another sim which would be cheaper to make calls to his interest. And since this dual sim phone doesnt allow parallel calls coming in, his phone is out of reach when he is in call with his interest. So he would never know the calls he is actually missing from the other sim when he is talking to his gal. Out of curiosity when I asked him, how long his calls with his gal usually last, he said these days they dont last that long, its only couple of hours ! phew !!
Now I wouldnt be surprised normally, but as far as I know, the gal hasnt reciprocated his feelings yet, though she knows what his feelings towards her are. Right now, its like she wants his time and company, not him though. So every time, we talk, I end up trying to advise him that he is wasting his time and emotions on this gal. And for a friend like JKL who has been with me through all my heartbreaks, I wouldnt ever want him to go through one. And when I ask him how is it that, someone saying no to me is different from someone saying no to him, he laughs it off saying "when a man says No, its a NO, but a woman saying No, it means different things" ! Sounds like Phd to me .
Well since their calls last couple of hours, I asked him what does she generally talk about! He says "nothing" .And I was like "what" ? For which he says, when people are in love, they can communicate through silence. And he feels though she has not reciprocated his love yet, her silence is an indication of many things he can understand about her. He also said its called "companionable silence". He also advised me not to google on that stuff, being the non-stop talkative chatterbox I am, I wouldnt really understand what silence is, even if I am in love. Thank You for that.
As of now, Silence would kill me.
My state of mind is exactly like what my desk calendar shows " You can give up when something goes wrong, or you can let misfortune transform you into something better"
I am confused whether to give up or let misfortune strike. From my past experiences, I have seen misfortunes moulding me into a better person for tomorrow. However the road to recovery is not very pleasant either. I have been lucky so far not to lose sanity over this.
Now I feel, giving up at the right moment before letting damage in, is better than going through it. I might be harsh to myself, but I hope the aftermath of this is not that bad.
I hate when my intuitions are right especially when it is bad for me. I wish I was bad at putting things together when everything seems like a jigsaw puzzle.
I also hate looking at my desk calendar over and over again. It seems to be reflecting things running in my mind. I wish I could wrap it up and throw it inside, but for the promise I made to someone who always wished the best for me.
Today the feeling was like falling in love all over again. I know him for almost 2 years now, though I am his sister's best buddy and keep visiting their home quite often, we never got the opportunity to actually know each other individually. Our bonding has grown recently over the past few months, though we engaged in common conversations, today was the first time he addressed me directly and spoke those 2 little words. Well, I have have been yearning all this while for him to speak up the one single word I always hoped he would say. And when the feelings became a public affair, his parents left us to have a quiet lunch together. And for the first time in 2 years, I felt love in his eyes too, I am glad he reciprocated at last :) I missed my camera though to capture this kodak moment :)
( Read more ( pics behind )...Collapse )
I missed my office cab today morning and since I had plenty of time ahead, I decided to take the BMTC. I rolled up a 10 rupee note in between my palm and fingers and boarded a bus. I was standing holding onto a metal railing in the bus, when the driver applied slight brakes before speeding up on the flyover. The 10 rupee note flew from my hand, and fell on the gear box and had a smooth exit out through the front door of the bus. Few women started making loud screams, I didnt want the driver to panic and a scene following, so I signaled them that it was okay and took a seat which got vacant and pulled out another note from my wallet. I made a small prayer hoping the money lands into someone needy. I dont think anybody walks on the flyover, the note will take some time, before it travels/flies to the next owner. I was just relieved it was not a 100 rupee note :P
Some of the women who saw the note flying out, gave me unusual glances. May be they were surprised that I was so cool about it. Well, I had no choice but to let it go, bcos stopping the bus, hearing the driver abuse me for my carelessness is even more embarrassing for me. And who knows a couple of minutes of halt to retrieve my 10 rupee note would turn out to be more costly for some other innocent passenger in the bus.
I think its same with people in our lives. Sometimes we hold on to people in our memories even after they have exited out of our lives. We keep hoping and trying to bring them back without realizing how much of discomfort it would be to us, them or even others who are not involved in the whole process. It all depends on how much value or importance you attach to a person or thing. Even if you are gripping tightly to something or someone, I think if it is destined to move out, it will happen. One can move on only when you attach less importance to exited things. Atleast you have not lost everything, there is more to look forward to. Everything and everyone will land up to their destined owners some day.
Rooftop cafeterias would indeed be the preferred idea for designing a cafeteria in a multi-storey corporate building. It gives employees a total new ambiance from their boring cubicle structures. There is nothing more refreshing than standing on a 9th floor rooftop cafeteria and getting a glimpse of the city you live in. However I am not sure, how much power-efficient this design is.
Almost everyone from Level 1 to Level 7 use the Lift to reach the Cafeteria. Assuming there are 300-400 people per floor, and the Lift capacity being at max 20, average Lift Usage would be (400/20)x7 ~= 140 !! And this is just for moving up. And assuming not everyone uses the Lifts at the same time, we can hope that some of the downward usage of the early lunch people will coincide with the upward lift usage of late lunch goers, so total usage may not directly be double. However the total usage number would further increase, assuming there will be people frequenting the cafeteria for breakfast, mid-tea breaks, snacks, dinner etc.
I am beginning to wonder what would be the ideal location for cafeteria in a mutli-storey building design considering to economize Lift usage as well ?
I came across the concept of 90 minute sleep cycle on LJ few years back. If I remember correctly, it was either bluesmoon 's post or comment somewhere.
Couple of weeks back I was talking to a friend on how I wake up fresh when I sleep for time periods which are multiple of 90 minutes. He tried the same formula and confirmed, it probably works true for him also. Yesterday I was supposed to wake up another friend at 6.30 am, but I gave a wake up call 15 minutes earlier. My friend suggested I stick to the 6.30 am time sharp, otherwise, it disturbs his sleep pattern. I was reminded today about this, wondering if 6.30 am fell into the end of his 90 minute sleep cycle slot and probably thats the reason he feels fresh at 6.30 am and not anything before it. Probably it is not exactly 90 minutes for everybody, but I think there is some reason and equation for everybody atleast which works out approximately around 90 minutes.
I often have to remind myself that sleep, which is mostly an involuntary activity could trigger so much of research behind. Wiki says it all.
I have to shut down googling on sleep, before I lose my sleep over it. Otherwise, i would have to wait for the next 90 minutes to time myself to wake up at my usual time :)
Two months into 2010, I hope I complete all unfinished tasks of my life, which also includes getting a driver's license, especially after a gap of 4 years of starting the endeavor. I have an aversion to step into the RTO office, especially after the last time
. Bcos of the two men in my life, I was discouraged
driving Dad's car, and I never drove a car after that. I have been a vehicle challenged person all my life till now, I dont find it inconvenient to either walk or take public transport. However in cases of emergency, I have been helpless running around looking for transport.
Last Thursday, I suddenly called up the nearest Driving School and inquired for classes around lunch time. The guy immediately booked me for classes from 1pm to 2pm on the same day. Taking time to decide on the classes was sure going to lead to procrastination, so I gues it was a right decision to join immediately. Next week, our office is moving to Miller's road, so this is like an added pressure on me to complete my classes before my office moves.
The first day, the instructor who turned up was giving me just verbal classes, and he kept dozing off in between. When I bent forward to check something, I realized he was drunk. I didnt know how to respond to somebody getting drunk at 1 pm and turning up for a driving class on ROAD. We would have been booked if we were caught, 1) for Drunken Driving, 2) For driving without my LL . Since he didnt misbehave and we were not driving on the main road, I decided not to take up the issue with the driving school. May be bcos I have dealt with more worse drunkard situations before.
Second day, the drunkard tutor didnt turn up, another young man came with zero patience. By now, I was losing patience in the whole thing, I just wanted to leave him and the car and run away. However, I didnt want another interruption on the driving thing, so I stayed put. Third day, there was another old tutor, who for some reason kept calling me "illa raja, ippadi raja" Well you call young kids "raja", at 28 plus, standing 5ft 9 inches, I wasnt very happy to be called "raja". Anyways, as long as he is patient with me, I can bear with it also for the time being. 5 days of classes, I have had 4 different tutors, and I guess, my learning which should have been progressive, has instead taken up a sinusoidal wave with its ups and downs. There is no continuation between classes.
Regarding teaching in general, I think many tutors follow this practice, make the student err, and then coach them to do it the right way. However I have a different experience with my driving classes. I think on road experience is different from a theory class, each turn, each signal, each speed breaker, you come across a different scenario each time. I have a feeling that if my tutor gives me 5-6 basic tips on the driving funda, I should be able to manage major things by mapping them to my live experience. Instead, what has been happening is, my tutors let me do my own thing, and then confuse me with what was right and what was wrong, The situations are so close that I cant really get anything right into my head and to add to this confusion, I am dealing with different tutors each day and each one has his own way.
I hope all this trivial things dont let me stop mid way. 2010 is a good year to accomplish all that was left unfinished. I have to repeat this mantra to myself every day.
Few years back, viewing my livejournal profile page was like a hobby, I kept looking at the numbers, the increasing number of mutual friends, the increasing number of posts, the increasing number of comments and so on. I hoped one day they would reach a milestone, a milestone of 1000 posts, a milestone of 100 mutual friends.. Many friends moved out of LJ to other sites, some stopped blogging altogether, people become lazy, busy, passive, stop commenting/sharing, and the numbers which were once growing, came to a standstill. Leave alone looking at the profile page, I have no time myself to see, observe, record and post.
What becomes a dead hobby suddenly gets rejuvenated, when you stumble on somebody's new blog. You realize, "Hey i used to write also, where are my thoughts these days" And the cycle begins when you wake up again into the world of blogging, to write, read and share more. Today, I looked up my profile page and realized my blog has 100 mutual friends( including the passive ones).
My 100th friend is soansbard
. Well the story is, though I know Prashanth through family, I stumbled on his blog on blogspot
and realized he has been writing there for the last couple of years. Though his blog is majorly financial, I loved the way he put things there connecting Finance to random things in daily life. Well, apart from Finance, you will discover the musician
, the poet, his hilarious one-liners and a lot of surprises in store. The only good thing I could do was to hijack him to LJ and request him to post his updates here too. Add him to your friends list, I can guarantee your blog journey is going to be more fun.
And let this milestone be not the end, but the continuation of our blogging journey. Thank you all for being here always.
I dont remember the last time I cut my birthday cake at home, must be Class 6, and I think after that it was the final year at College, I dont remember even that very clearly, being April born, my birthdays are usually sandwiched between exams and results ! Again, I dont remember when we started celebrating birthdays and cake cutting again. I think Stick and R got me a cake for my 2006 birthday, it was a memorable evening followed by a more memorable dawn sandwiched between a 8month pregnant R and a skeletonish Stick.
For my 2007 birthday, I invited myself back to R's place, bcos I wanted Mihika to be part of my Birthday celebrations. 2008 was the dullest birthday of my life, but I was glad to have family and friends who understood me so well. And I think after that, I have made sure we celebrate each of our birthdays more regularly.
The birthday party apart from buying cakes and gifts, usually involves making of the birthday bakra which requires more precision and planning than our work tasks even. Everything goes usually fine around the year, until its turn for my birthday. Being the most connected person to every one in the gang, its a pain for my buddies to draft their answers to my queries. So what happens eventually is, all of them start avoiding me couple of days in advance planning to escape my inquisitive questions. I try maximum not to spoil the show, but somehow I land up in the wrong place, wrong time, wrong person, and eventually end up carrying my own birthday cake to the party. 2009 was almost close to a surprise birthday party, I knew they put in lot of effort for the surprise thing, bcos towards the end of the cake cutting, they all left a sigh of relief.
Time flies, everyone has family commitments and we decided to leave birthday parties to family business. However this time I felt Vee deserved a special birthday cake atleast, not only for her, but atleast for the group to meet together once again. Birthdays somehow have a magic of unifying people spread across. There wasnt much planned to fool Vee on her birthday as it was already a belated one. However stick was consistent in turning up late for the event, which was like, we all getting fooled with her promises..usual stuff..
The highlight of last evening was the Strawberry Crush from Cake Walk. We have been avoiding strawberry all these years. Somehow Strawberry gives you reminiscence of all those cough syrups, gelusils you gulped down when as a sick kid. 2010 being a new year, we wanted to remove the mental block of avoiding Strawberry for a lifetime, so we went ahead and ordered one. Well, Cake Walk cant come up with something really bad. It wasnt bad but no where close to our regular chocolates or blackforests.. The other one we tried for Stick's birthday couple of months back was Blackcurrant, which wasnt very bad either, it was atleast a welcome change and more for my picasa album covers. :) ( Cake Pictures BehindCollapse )
I remember this funny thing which happened at Stick's Birthday. Instead of admiring the gift we bought for stick, everyone was busy with their fingers on the Bubble Wrapper, bursting tiny little bubbles. I guess, each one of us have been there, when as a kid, we pinched those tiny little bubbles to burst them. Some things never change though we grow older. Little Mihika was also amazed with her self discovery when she found that these bubbles could be make sounds when they burst. I had to stop her from exhausting all the bubbles, bcos I wanted to wrap the gift back for Stick. She kept pleading to let her do it once more which seemed to be going endless. I wanted to shoo her away, but I didnt want to kill the child within. Some things are irreversible.
A month back I promised myself to be more regular here after I realized I have missed updating quite a few things happening in my life. Though there isnt anything significant happening either, but once in a while scrolling back to older entries is a lot of introspective and fun read.
8.3% of 2010 done, and I have not done much to change my life either. January has been a mixed bag. Capturing some of the updates..
- Started the New Year being sick , which meant, I was healing myself back to good health while the rest of the world was partying around. Luckily, I utilized the idle bed time catching up with folks I havent talked to in a while. I also spent time getting to know few of my online acquaintances and knowing them has been good so far.
- At work got a big blow, when the account I was working for decided to roll back projects for this quarter. Being project-less, I started brainstorming on career opportunities elsewhere and also re-consider my UK migration, both of which I put on hold again. Thanks to one of my team's older projects getting into rough waters, Being a senior team-mate the only thing I could do was to offer help and hijack some work/tasks into my kitty. And I have been busy again at work since then.
- I got a shock of my life, when I realized that I have 10.5 days of Casual Leave which I have to exhaust before April 2010. Thanks to my over protective Leave Budget, now I dont know where to head to unless I elope with someone or somebody kidnaps me. I wonder how they treat your absence when you are kidnapped ? I dont have company to plan a vacation at this time, and I am too lazy to exhaust all leave sitting idle at home. I am apprehensive about business decisions taken in my absence. Right now, I have decided to dis-integrate the CLs into multiple 0.5 days and take random leaves from work.
- My friend Vee's sister Kochu whom I have illegally adopted as my own little sister, got engaged on 26th January. I wanted to do a separate photo-session about the event and blog about Kochu, unfortunately I couldnt make it to the engagement either. The wedding will be another and the last opportunity. Kochu has been my personal dentist as well, now you know why I claim her to be my little sister( yes, I get discounts on my dental bills :)) Jokes apart, I have never enjoyed any of my earlier dental appointments as much I sit front of Kochu. And yes, she is so patient with my queries, that she answers all my questions seeing my eye movements though she has sharp instruments stuck inside my wide open mouth.
- My record of being portrait photographer for single eligible women is on a new high. Anybody whom I take a portrait pic for shaadi formalities, gets hitched asap. As I am beginner now, the services are free of charge. Just as Kochu is my personal dentist, I call myself her only personal and official photographer :) And I have 2 more added to the list now. I am awaiting confirmation on the engagement news from them too.
- We had our company Annual Day Celebrations on 22nd Jan at Clarks Exotica. Most of the women junta I knew were part of fashion show or Dance competitions, and since guys would want to share their own jokes in such events, I was quite doubtful about finding the right company to spend time for the whole day event. Luckily, the MC was none other than 94.3 RJ Prithvi. He kept us ROFLing for the whole day that I forgot I was sitting admist a crowd of unknown faces. I did click few portrait photographs for some eligible single candidates there too :)
- There has been a new addition to the "Pinto" family. Cousin A and wife D were blessed with a cute little healthy baby boy on 28th January. Its nice to see Uncle D spring back to life after being promoted to Grand-Dad. Its been more of grandsons than grand daughters in the family so far. We will soon run short of flower-gals in the family for the next wedding !
New year is the best time to wipe away the guilt of not having accomplished what you planned to do the preceding year. It's like a renewed chance, an unwritten book, with all pages blank, and its left to us on how we want to fill it.( It is a coincidence, they just started distributing desk calenders and diaries just when I finished typing the previous line). 2009 was an okay kind of year. Family, friends, work, health everything has gone through the regular sinusoidal syndrome and back to normal now.
Most of the things I began in 2009 are half done. I just need a little push to venture out and try new possibilities. No special resolutions for 2010, life is a continuous one and our needs and priorities keep changing. Over the years of failing to keep new year resolutions, I have realized finally that we are given a fresh start not only at the beginning of the year, but almost every day when we wake up.
There are lot of opportunities, possibilities, interests to pursue, hope to try them and not regret wasting time 300 plus days from now. ( Few of them - Photography, Blogging, Learning new technical stuff, travel, weight_reduction etc etc )
Happy New Year all of you :)
Food and Transport is free at work since Monday. Which also means, employees will come, go, eat their breakfast, lunch at the timings decided by the Management. Well, since I stay close to work(7 kms), I still have an option of choosing the facility based on my convenience. It is wise though not to miss the free things in life.
The first time, I heard this news, I was quite happy welcoming the change, I planned to convert all my kitchen time into fitness time. Man proposes, laziness overrides better. 3 days since the change, all idle time has been converted into sleep time till now. Well, new routines take time to set in, I hope it does soon.
We also have this beautiful message which flashes on the Intranet Homepage with "Your Today's Time-In is " and they have separate color for Early(Green)/Late(Red), which will haunt you for the rest of the day if you are late. And then we have this My_Attendance_Report similar to your school report card, with detailed late time and cumulative late time minus some 101 flexible_working_hours_limit parameters. Well, the report card does not tell you that irrespective of flexible timings, if you come late, you miss free food, the token system shuts down at 8.15 am sharp. Interesting Math, the HR, Facilities and IS teams can expect a good hike this year, and the rest of us folks, dont miss school anymore.
And since food is free and its the first week on free food, we dont see the house-wives's husbands with Tupperware tiffin boxes anymore. We stand along with them in the long queues. Some people though continue to bring their food. And the general junta looking at the statistics of men carrying their home-cooked food made an observation that, we now know whose wife cooks really good. The rest seem happy to be off their wives culinary skills experiments ! I also met somebody extra-ordinary who still brings his wife's morning cooked upma but eats his free breakfast and lunch at the office cafeteria. He eats his wife's food as an evening snack, bcos the evening snacks are paid and not free.
Well, not to mention about the extra calories I am consuming in the form of parathas, oil and sweets. I do have considerate team-mates..Like today, they let me eat only a spoon of carrot halwa and leave the rest to the bin. I am blessed with diet-coordinators around! This blog post evolved out of self-sympathy actually :)
This weekend, I invested a lot of time talking to a broader set of friends whom I never get to talk to usually and the discussions revolved around the way I badly handle relationships. I do not know why I havent written much about any serious relationships here.. either bcos nothing took off very seriously in the first place except my feelings, or may be I feel embarrassed to write about how low I treat myself to make relationships work and how I never learn from getting hurt repeatedly.
Every relationship requires a lot of hard work from either parties and more of forgiving yet not forgetting. Not forgetting so that you dont hurt the other person again by doing the same mistake again. All this applies after knowing a person well and when you have committed yourself to the relationship.
What I fail to understand is how do you measure how much you can forgive a person when you are just getting to know the person. Every time somebody hurts me, I blame it on the premature going-to-be-a-relationship phase and tend to forgive the person, only to be hurt again. I think I love myself when I am being patient with people without knowing that I am doing more harm to me than any good to myself or the person. I set an impression of being a door mat where one could dust off his frustrations and temper on me. And who knows the person may not be taking me as seriously as I take him or the relationship. May be most of my getting to know people is based on online acquaintances and I shouldnt be reading between the lines, fishing for love or emotions ! Who knows the mistake is on my side, getting emotional with people who are just looking to spend some online time together.
Every person, every relationship is different, but I am angry with myself for not being able to identify the pattern of getting hurt over and over. The only good I can do to myself is by not giving anyone the power to hurt me( which I will be soon forgetting). Rather than getting sad about people not understanding me, I should learn to discard them off my emotional bandwidth ! There is already too much to deal with in life... Respect and treat yourself the best :)
And its good to have friends to talk to. Atleast you know not everyone thinks you are bad :) Thank you my dear friends :)
When people move out of livejournal/ blogging, I have always thought they found something better to do which kept them busy. I always believe there would be no such day, where I would dis-associate myself from the LJ world. LJ is a sort of relationship I build with myself, relationship I create and build with people I meet here, and a kind of virtual diary where I pour out myself here which is neither strictly private nor something where I want everything I say to be heard. Though there is no classification on what I ramble here, I can share thoughts about some things here, which I might either want to just share here or know your opinion about. I really dont know how to define this relationship with myself and my blog-world.
Every time I login to the internet, the first thing I access is my Gmail followed by livejournal on an adjacent tab. I do not know how life would be without logging into LJ. I have been quite passive in my posting and commenting for some days now, not bcos I have nothing to share, just that life got clogged with too many things together, new activities, which I couldnt handle well myself. I was too stressed to handle things myself, and though I knew solutions myself, I was really experimenting with them.
At work, I was nominated to be one of the 6 people put together to organize a Day-Out event for 200 people. We had 2 months to begin with the plan. What followed was nothing but pure chaos as some people were intelligent enough to step back and some people found this as an opportunity to step in and dominate others while doing minimum work. There were still some people, who were successful enough to maintain a High-Z state, not bothered about whats going around. Well, I did nothing but slog and run around stitching together broken links. Work suffered a lot during this time period, but since one is part of the core team working towards the event, nobody really complains.
At the end I have my own pending work piled up, innovations yet to be put into existing work, new work sitting on my desk, bills waiting to be cleared up, and the worst of it, my personal satisfaction of the event execution being a poor 5.5 on 10. Every thing has a good lesson learned in the end, so I wouldnt complain about the whole thing, as my awareness on Transport, DJ/MC, Gifts, Prizes, Audio/Video, Snacks, Resorts/beverages etc have improved quite a lot since then. Next time, I deal with similar people, I would learn to be more assertive rather than wait and watch the fun / hope for things to improve on its own.
Now back to work, Excel Sheets and Bills replaced with Grey linux terminals !