Quick flash of what went missing into the logs !!
So we were married for 3 months now. He still lived in Mumbai and I lived in Bangalore. We kept praying he would be able to move to Bangalore. I knew it was too soon, but I wanted to have a baby desperately. I had been diagnosed with fibroids 3 years back and every gynec I met, convinced me that there was no treatment required, unless I try and fail to conceive. Somehow the fear of being childless was too much to deal with. Though we lived miles apart, I was still hoping we would be successful to make a baby .. I was so desperate that, I used pregnancy kits even after having my menstruation for the month.. Why to neglect that odd 1% of having low hcg ?? A private journal entry copy-pasted below :
I have a bad headache since morning.. I woke up bleeding, and I was lost without any emotions.. I was an expectant mother before I went to bed last night, I woke up at 5 am, feeling blood. I didnt have much time to worry about it, I had to clean and dress and put myself back to sleep. I didnt know if it was a lost pregnancy or realization that a pregnancy never existed. I wish I could cry out aloud. I think, now I know what is, when you feel empty inside.. I didnt want to wake up to a dawn as a single person again. I lived these last few days, accompanied with thoughts about a tiny life within. My Baby, if you were ever there, I am sorry that Mama, didnt take care of you, mama couldnt give you a good place to begin your life. I have been careless, am sorry. I really hoped I would carry you in my arms early next year. I even asked Daddy to choose names for you. I am sad and feel sorry for myself, I will never know if you existed. Something tells me, you were there within, I think if it was meant to lose you, this was the best possible way, than lose you later. I will always remember you, as you were my first ever experience of motherhood. You didnt have to be born to make me feel like one. Will always love you.
We planned a trip to the US for December to meet his family in NJ. So we headed off to Chennai for the US Embassy. For me it was another of our weekends together. Mid of July, it was again time for the pregnancy kit. I usually had regular periods, so I tested the kit on the first day of missed period, I desperately waited for the pink line, and finally there was a faint one.. A disappointed me, called hubby on phone and told him that I was worried, I didnt have a healthy pregnancy as there was no dark pink line !! Though I was an electronics and semiconductor engineer by profession, the husband had to re-visit digital electronics and educate me on 2 binary states , its either 0 or 1, there was nothing in between, so a faint 1 meant a '1' , I could have further taught him about strong and weak 0s and 1s which we use in our profession, but decide to wait and do the test after a week. The second test was a strong pink line, and from then, began this never-ending fear of taking care of an extra individual, this time, within me. I had my 6-week gynec appointment and everything was normal.
The first gynec I visited in July, suddenly went on vacation and I couldnt wait to postpone the first scan which was due for the 8th week. I was a bit anxious, bcos of the fibroids, so changed the doc and started visiting another gynec. After a long waiting time at the new gynec, I was called in and they sent me for the scan. Luckily I have a private journal entry of this also.
I cant recall my first feeling during the scan. The doc showed me the baby's heart beat. For the first time, I sensed motherhood, and unknowingly my hand tried to reach out to the baby. Unfortunately, my new found joy was short-lived when the doc detected fluid in the sac and diagnosed me with sub-chorionic hematoma. The Doc just bluntly announced to me that there are chances of miscarriages and prescribed projesterone injections and tablets. I have been going to the clinic bi-weeekly since then.
Today was regular injection appointment. Arun accompanied me. He suddenly brought up the idea to take the scan ahead of the 18th August schedule, so that, he too gets to see the baby. Baby's heartbeat was normal, and there was no more fluid. I am hoping baby was happy to see daddy also this time. Fibroid has grown to 5cms. Just hoping, everything turns out safe.
I never wrote anything much after that. I got very busy after that.
September - October 2011
My brother's marriage was fixed for October 29th. It was an inter-religion long-term love affair, and since we wanted the marriage to be primarily in our religion, we had to do most of the arrangements. Being the only sibling, I took up most of the responsibilities for the arrangement. I guess with all the running around, my little baby would become an event manager one day !! I successfully entered into the second trimester, though the doc mentioned placenta pervia during one the scans.
After my brother's wedding, my mom decided to go for medical checkups and they found a large growth in her gall bladder. To find if it was malignant, they arranged for an open gall bladder surgery at Chennai. With pregnancy and stress, I was advised not to travel and complicate things. Being far away from mom who was undergoing operation, and well-wishers calling me to say nothing would happen to her, I got stressed and ended up having muscular cramps. It was a weekend, and we went and met the doc who suspected shortening of cervix. The doc scared us that if we didnt do a cervical stitch, I could end up having a preterm labor. I had just completed 23 weeks then ! Before I could get a second opinion, I was admitted for an emergency operation and cofined to bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy.
Life changed suddenly, I was not prepared to be a stay-at-home patient, I could not seek the support of my mom who had just undergone an operation. I didnt have much hobbies to pursue other than reading and watching TV. To add to all the frustration, I always had the fear of preterm labor, and worried if my premature child would survive !
I met another gynec and sought her advice, I was convinced my cervical stitch was unnecessary, but since there was a stitch in already, I couldnt do anything much than wait to complete 37 weeks .
Jan 2012- March 2012
I have never been so impatient in my life than the last trimester of my pregnancy. I was desperate to meet my little one. I was more bored to stay @ home all day. I managed to sneak out though for weekend shopping, thanks to my new gynec, who kept re-assuring me that there was nothing majorly wrong. I crossed the 37 week deadline, got the cervical stitch removed also. I expected labor pains any time. Everyday I went to bed, I was hoping I would wake up screaming in pain. But each day I woke up to carry my little baggage all around. I entered week 40 and my gynec told me the baby had not made its descend yet. I booked my room at the hospital for March 23rd 10:00 pm to be induced. The whole week I ate spicy stuff, only to be end up in toilet instead. On march 23rd night, I re-packed my maternity luggage and headed to the hospital.